This Frozen Wasteland
by The Halfblood Raven
Summary: Vincent is cold and Blaise is tired of him complaining. Everything else snowballs from there. Crack!fic ONESHOT


Disclaimer: If I owned BLIZZARD, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I'd be making expansion packs.

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"It's so cold up here!" The frail, shivering Necromancer whined.

"Oh, shut up Vincent." his Barbarian companion snapped.

"But it is, Blaise!" Vincent complained, burrowing further into his coat, trying to warm up.

"I suffered in your rainy hell of a homeland for nigh on two months, Vincent. You're in my land now, man up and bear it. Even Daphne does not complain as you do, and her homeland in the desert has gods-awful temperatures in the summer. We were lucky passing through in the winter as we did."

"Where is she anyway?" Vincent asked, teeth chattering. He attempted to summon a fire golem but could not concentrate enough to form even a fireball.

"She went scouting ahead for the entrance to the Ancient's Way." A loud thud was heard in the distance, as if a huge beast falling to the ground in death, or a young tree. Just then, the sky belched out more snow, much to Vincent's dismay.

"Good-bye Mother, Tracey, Draco. I love you all, and would have had many more precious days with you had I stayed in Ureh with you and not gone off to try and kill Baal. Know that even as I die here in this frozen wasteland, I love you all. Draco and Tracey can pick through my books and have whichever ones they want." Blaise put his head in his hands. Daphne bounded up at that moment, pausing to listen to the Necromancer's delirious monologue.

"Great! Now the Necromancer is going crazy. I told you we should have ditched him in Kurast." She said, throwing a look at Blaise.

"Perhaps we should have, his uncle Alkor would certainly have kept him." Blaise replied.

"That creepy old man down the boardwalk from Asheara? His head was addled from the all those potion fumes."

"Did you find the entrance?" Blaise asked, hauling the despondent Vincent to his feet, where he promptly collapsed again. With Daphne's assistance, Blaise put Vincent over his shoulder and began following her.

"Yes, I did. That thud you heard earlier? That was a huge demon. A, um, whats-it-called, um, a Siege Beast by the name of Thresh Socket. Guarding the entrance."

"Did he drop anything good?" Blaise asked.

"No. A broken scythe, a dented buckler, and a quiver of bolts. No gold." Daphne replied, playfully sulking. "Here we are." she said, picking off a lone demon that had come to gawk. Blaise was able to get a few potions out of the corpse of Thresh Socket, before the snow drove them into the Ancient's Way.

The three of them ducked inside the icy caverns just as a full-on blizzard erupted from the gray sky. "Is it just me, or is it really, really quiet in here?" Daphne asked.

"I doubt we are so lucky to have my ancestor's protections still in place." Blaise murmured, straining to hear.

"I don't hear anything but Vinnie." Daphne said, gently cuffing the Necromancer over the head. He was still deliriously muttering to himself, this time about a will-o'-wisp and its mating habits. Blaise threw up a portal and they all stepped through. Laying Vincent down on a bed in his mother Malah's hospital, Blaise winced as Anya, Malah's helper, turned to face him.

"You. Let. Him. Get. Bit. By. A. Snow Adder?! ARE YOU INSANE, BLAISE!?" Anya screamed.

"I didn't see him get bit, and he didn't cry out in pain. I didn't really know what caused it, I'm not an expert healer, Annie." Blaise replied, rubbing his temple. Softer, he continued "He's crazy anyway, so what's the point?"

"HE DOESN'T HAVE AN IMMUNITY TO IT, BLAISE!" Anya yelled. The other warriors in the hospital started laughing at the two of them.

"It's not like it takes a millennium to heal a Snow Adder bite, Anya. And Blaise hasn't ever seen the symptoms up close and personal, only exaggerated stories from his training years. I kept him out of the hospital before his training." Malah said, laying a hand on Vincent's forearm. She concentrated and magically revealed where he had been bitten. "The back of his calf. Not too bad." Malah said, motioning for Anya to start preparing the herbs.

"Remember when Quinn got bit on his butt?" one of the warriors called out. Another, apparently Quinn, snapped

"Shut up, Basta, you were the one that professed your undying love to that one Sorceress, Chromandi, or something. She slapped you so hard there was still a hand-print the next morning."

"Then when that druid, Lodi, came along, I was his mercenary. I remember he was talking to it like a member of the Snake tribe would. That was just odd. I'll keep my company with the cranes, thank you." Another recalled, making the call of the Crane softly. Others started remembering their experiences, and their friends or master's experiences, and it made for a good time.

Malah stood up from bending over Vincent. "Don't let him fight tomorrow. He should be good the next day. I'll keep him for the rest of today and see how he does. Be careful out there," Malah told them, reaching up to hug Blaise.

"We'll keep our eyes open, Mum." He answered, hugging the old healer back.

"You better." Anya muttered. Blaise smiled and guided Daphne into the portal.

The two of them slowly walked through the large, twisting expanse of tunnels that made up the Ancient's Way, worried about the lack of activity. "Blaise. I think I hear something." Daphne whispered.

"Stay here, I'll look around." He whispered back. Moving slowly around the corner, he saw a horde of demons sitting there. Waiting. He rushed back to Daphne, and they moved back a few yards. "Every demon in this place is sitting around that corner, waiting on us to suicidally charge them. The only cover is a large snow bank that must have fallen through the entrance, they swept it behind them."

"You up for a one-sided snowball fight?" Daphne asked, pulling out several explosive potions. "I like the way you think." Blaise replied, taking some. They rushed behind their make-shift snow fort, Daphne making some hasty modifications, moving more snow to the sides. Blaise threw a snowball with no potion to get their enemy's attention.

"What the-?" a Succubi screeched, as it had hit her.

"What isss it?"A Putrid Defiler hissed.

"Someone just threw a snowball at me!" Another blank snowball flew at her. Then exploding potion-snowballs rained down. Demons fell left and right. Those that knew the significance of the tunnel they were in trembled in horror. Then, when the snowballs ceased, a Grim Ward, summoned by Blaise, appeared. The remaining Imps fell dead from fright.

They set up a portal into Harrogath, having decided to stop for the night, "Hey, Blaise, I don't want to sound ignorant, but exactly what are we facing with these Ancients?" Daphne asked, sitting down on the steps near Larzuk's forge. Blaise sat beside her, smiling. If there was one thing any barbarian was good at, besides combat, it was story-telling.

"The Ancients themselves are the spirits of our ancestors, the Nephalem. The story goes that there are three Champions for the Ancients that lived over five-hundred summers ago. Their names were Madawc, Talic, and Korlic. Madawc was from the north of Mount Arreat, no one is sure from exactly where and he never said. All anyone knows is that he showed up one day, battle axe in either hand, ready to fight. He was often shown things yet to come, and would kill people that would commit terrible crimes in the future, but had not yet, claiming justice. He would sit in a trance for hours before battles began, staring up at the skies."

Neither of them noticed that they had attracted a small crowd of children and young teens to listen. Deckard Cain listened also, interested for knowledge about this new culture he'd never seen before. Larzuk had heard this story many times yet grinned, laying down his hammer to go listen as well. Blaise continued. "Sometimes he would come out of a trance, pack up his things and simply leave. It was said among those that followed him that he could tell the outcome of a battle before it was even begun! Men noticed and followed, staying when he stayed, leaving when he left. It frustrated the hell out of many of their enemies. He became known as the Warrior Prophet. One night, he was smoking his pipe in a trance. He suddenly jumped up, packed his things and started walking. His men were confused, for Madawc had told them that they would stay at that spot for a week. A man grabbed his arm and asked where he was going. Madawc's reply was 'The Ancients are calling me. I must go to Mount Arreat.' Not a man followed him for the long trek south. They elected a new leader and went on.

Now Talic was from the west, near the sea. As a boy, he had only heard legends of Mount Arreat. The Kae Huron mountain range is too far to be seen from where Talic grew up in Sescheron, our capital city. He was approached in his home by a town Elder and the seer, Kala. She told him the Ancients had asked her to send him to Mount Arreat. Nineteen-year-old Talic stood up, a head taller than Kala, and refused to go. He demanded she chose another. She told him the Ancients had asked for him by name. He stared long at her, with the eyes of an Alpha Shadow Wolf, then slowly backed down." The children gasped and Blaise smiled. "He spent the rest of the day gathering supplies and left the next morning, leaving his wife and newborn child behind. They would never see him again.

Korlic lived on the complete other side of the Tribelands, in the Henknoc jungle. He was the leader of the Henknoc clan and as a child he'd tamed a fierce beast called a Stalker. There was at least some druid blood in him to be able to do that. His father died when Korlic was young, about twenty, and he went out in the jungle to mourn. He came across a horde of huge spiders. They had taken a child, and without thought for his own safety, he slew them all, rescuing the child. That child was the son of a chief for an enemy clan, and again without thought to his own safety, Korlic walked into the enemy camp and delivered the child to his father, the chief. Some say it was an act of stupidity, but it ended the hostilities between the two clans. About fifteen years later, his wife, the clan's seer, received a vision from the Ancients, saying Korlic had been called upon by the ancients to travel to Mount Arreat and protect it for eternity. The man that Korlic chose to be his successor was none other than the boy he'd saved from the spiders all those years before, knowing that he would rule justly and fairly.

Now all three reside at the top of Mount Arreat, protecting the Worldstone. It is a Rite of Passage for the young men of Harrogath to defeat them the day of their sixteenth summer and see the Worldstone. The only way to get by without fighting the Nephalem's Champions is to use the Relic of the Ancients." Blaise finished.

"What does the Relic look like, Blaise?" One of the youngest children asked.

"It is the one skill that all three Champions had in common; Grim Ward. They each used their power over this skill to create one that would have the power to bypass them, and it only has this power because each of the three intended it so. Had any of them had any dissent on that, the Relic would not have the power it does today. Only because they all wanted it to be so, was it."

"Do you think you can get the Relic back from Baal, or has he destroyed it?" A teenage boy asked, playing with a small throwing axe.

"All evidence, even Baal's title, Lord of Destruction, leads me to believe that he will destroy the Relic as soon as its intended purpose is fulfilled, Myat." Blaise replied, standing.

Qual-Kehk approached from where he, too, had been listening. "You young ones run along now." He told the children, who promptly scattered. "I hope you three can defeat the Ancients and Baal."

"I do too, Father. I hope we can come home without dropping dead on one of Mother's beds." Blaise replied.

"Do you want to hire some of the warriors as mercenaries? I know several would be proud to accompany you." Qual-Kehk offered.

Blaise looked at Daphne, who shook her head. "I do not want one, for if Baal does not kill them, then the experience will change them for the rest of their lives, and probably not for the best." Qual-Kehk nodded, and turned away.

The next day, Blaise and Daphne set out early, clearing out any demons that remained from outside of town to the Ancient's Way. The two of them cleared Abbadon, the Pit of Acheron and the Infernal Pit as well. Vincent was cleared to resume fighting that evening, so the morning after, they stepped through Blaise's portal to the Ancient's way.

"Let's go." Blaise said, placing a hand on Daphne's back. She smiled and ducked into the stairwell. Vincent went next, leaving Blaise to bring up the rear.

"Which one is which, Blaise?" Daphne shouted over the howling winds. "Madawc is the one with the two hand axes, Talic uses a sword, and Korlic has a halberd." He shouted back.

"We simply have to defeat them?" Vincent yelled.

"It won't be easy! These were the greatest barbarians of their time! I'll follow Korlic. Vincent, you take Madawc, do damage if you can but if not just keep him busy, and I'll help when Korlic is defeated. Daphne, you take Talic. Does everyone have everything, because we can't go back to town until we have defeated them." Blaise shouted. The other two shouted that they were good, so they advanced through the arch and onto the battleground. In the center of the circular field stood a pedestal. All three heroes touched it at the same time. Three voices spoke in their minds.

"We are the Champions of the Nephalem, the Ancient Ones. We have been chosen to guard sacred Mount Arreat, wherein the Worldstone rests. Few are worthy to stand in its presence; fewer still can comprehend its true purpose. Before you enter, you must defeat us."

Vincent called up a clay golem and several skeletons, using the bones of demons and adventurers that had previously died on that spot. Daphne summoned a Valkyrie while Blaise used Shout, and issued Battle Orders, and Battle Commands. The Ancients stood on their pedestals, judging the three adventurers. Talic stepped forward and teasingly said to Madawc "You'd think since they know who we are that they would introduce themselves."

"It would only be polite, yes." Madawc replied, smirking.

"Kids these days. So rude." Korlic mumbled, whilst also smiling.

"Daphne."

"Vincent."

"Blaise." The three heroes said.

"They seem to have gotten taller over the years." Talic said, leaning on his tusk sword.

"Blaise, what is going on?" Daphne hissed, circling around.

"I have no idea, I've never been up here before. This is not normal though, according to the stories." Blaise whispered back.

"Of course it's not normal, Blaise. Use your head, boy!" Korlic cried.

"You three are the ones that will defeat Baal for good. And have you already killed the bastard that gave Baal the Relic? I knew he was up to no good." Madawc snapped.

"Nihlathak's dead." Blaise said.

"Good." The three Ancients knelt.

"Stand behind us and slay us as you choose, heroes. We will not waste your time." Talic said.

"Would you come see us after you kill Baal? It'd be nice to actually talk to a real person every once in a while." Korlic asked.

″We'll try, though we might instead be fleeing from the Zakarum.″ Vincent replied.

″Hurry up, heroes. Baal is barely a few minutes ahead of you. You may be able to catch him before he corrupts the Worldstone.″ Madawc cried. Vincent positioned himself behind Madawc, Blaise behind Korlic, and Daphne behind Talic. As one they struck, and the Ancients were defeated.

"You are worthy heroes! We augment your skills and grant you entry to the interior of Mt. Arreat, wherein lies the Worldstone. Beware. Baal, the Lord of Destruction, is already inside. The Archangel Tyrael has always been our benefactor, but even he cannot help us now. For Baal blocks Tyrael's spiritual presence from entering the Chamber of the Worldstone. Only you have the power to defeat Baal now. Baal threatens the Worldstone and through it, the mortal realm, itself. You must stop him before he gains full control of the sacred stone. With it under his control, Baal could shatter the boundaries between this world and the Burning Hells, thus allowing the hordes of the Prime Evils to pour forth into the mortal realm like an unstoppable tide! If you are weak, the world as you know it could be lost forever. You must NOT fail!"

"We won't." Blaise promised.

The heroes rushed into the Worldstone Keep, leaving the golden statues of the Ancients behind. They fought through three levels of monsters, chasing Baal. Baal stopped at the entrance to the Worldstone Chamber, laughing evilly. He summoned a horde of Fallen, with Colenzo the Annihilator. Then, Achmel the Cursed, a Mummy, with skeletal magi. Following Achmel was the fallen Vizjerei Sorcerer, Bartuc the Bloody, with what was left of the Zakarum Council. Next, a legion of Balrogs, with Ventar the Unholy commanding them. Finally, Lister the Tormentor, a type of demon Baal had created himself. The three heroes defeated them all. Baal cursed and ran into the Worldstone Chamber. He fired off the spell to corrupt the Worldstone, but an immobilizing spell from Daphne stopped it in its flight. He had no time to make another shot, as Vincent's golem charged him.

Above the ground, Talic, Madawc, and Korlic stepped off their pedestals. Gargoyles joined them as they raced through the Worldstone Keep. They stopped long enough for Madawc to issue Shout, Battle Commands and Battle Orders, before leaping into the Worldstone Chamber. The Gargoyles scratched and clawed at any part of Baal they could get their paws on. Tentacles that Baal summoned were dispatched with a quick swipe of Korlic's halberd. Baal's vile Effigy was clawed to pieces, while his Hoarfrost and Mana Rift were absorbed by walls of bone that Vincent summoned. His arms were little more than shreds, thanks to Blaise and Talic hacking away at them. Daphne had tripped and fallen behind Baal, and he crawled over her, not knowing she was there. She screeched and stabbed with her javelin at his underbelly. Baal screamed and snatched at her. He collapsed to his knees and moaned uncontrollably. Daphne kept stabbing in the same area. She then slashed Baal's jugular, quickly backing away. The demon threw up blood and half-digested flesh and died.

"What of the corruption spell?" A gargoyle rumbled.

"We need something to get in front of it so it won't impact the Worldstone." Daphne panted. The Gargoyles offered their assistance.

"You would give up life so quickly?" Blaise asked.

"We will be destroyed someday anyway. It does not matter when to us." One rumbled. All of them flew up and created an impenetrable cage around the spell with their wings and bodies. One moved a few inches so Daphne could shoot her spell.

"Finite." she yelled. Once the spell was through, the Gargoyle moved its wing back into place. The spell bounced off many of them, but didn't take hold. At last, they succumbed to the power of Baal's spell. ″BOMBARDA MAXIMA!″ Daphne shouted.

The Gargoyles exploded into a colorful shower of dust. Unicorns, cupcakes and rainbows were seen. Confetti and streamers fell from the ceiling along with an unseen fanfare. Also, everything Baal, Diablo, and Mephisto had corrupted turned back into its normal state of awesomeness. Demons were sucked into one-way portals to Hell and everything was wonderful again. ″What? Why? Is this a Utopia Fic?″ Vincent asked, staring up at the heavens with an expression of complete, absolute bewilderment.

″Shut up, Vinnie, who cares? The Prime Evils have been defeated and all is right with the world again!″ Daphne cried, dancing around. It was sunshiny forever and nothing was wrong ever, ever again.

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A/N: Don't kill me please! I was bored! I felt like writing a crack!fic where everything turns out okay. Reviews earn you an M'n'M cookie recipe!


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